On this page, we talk about
Boundaries are rules we set for:
- ourselves
- how we want other people to treat us.
What boundaries are
When you set boundaries, you tell people what you are comfortable with.
It is okay to say no to things that you do not want to do.
Setting boundaries does not make you:
- rude
- someone who only cares about themselves.
Boundaries can:
- help you look after your health
- make your life better
- support the people around you.
Setting boundaries can make your better.
Your relationship with someone is how you are connected to them.
It does not make them worse.
Examples of what boundaries can be
We wrote some examples of boundaries to help you understand what they are.
You might choose not to tell other people about your disability.
You might tell people that you do not want them to talk about you in a certain way.
For example, you might not like the words ‘disabled person’.
You can tell people what words you want them to use.
You might tell the person supporting you that you want in some parts of your life.
When you have privacy, you can choose:
- what you want to keep safe and private
- what other people can know about you.
You might tell someone you do not want to share nude photos with them online.
You might ask someone to talk to you in a calm voice.
Boundaries can be different for each person.
You can set the boundaries that are right for you.
Why it is a good idea to set boundaries
You might not feel comfortable to set boundaries.
But boundaries can help you and other people understand what you:
- need
- care about
- cannot do.
When you stand up for your boundaries, you can take control of what is happening to you.
Boundaries are important because they can help you be safe.
But they are also important in other ways.
For example, they help you build healthy relationships that can last a long time.
Boundaries also help other people.
For example, they will know how you want them to treat you.
It is important to respect each other’s boundaries if you are in a relationship.
For example, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
This can help everyone to:
- trust and respect each other
- feel like they are important.
Boundaries can also make it easier for you to communicate with each other.
This can help make your relationship stronger.
How to set boundaries
We wrote down 5 steps you can take to set boundaries.
1. Think about what you need.
For example, you can think about what makes you:
- stressed
- not comfortable.
2. Set your boundaries.
You can then tell the other person what you are comfortable with in a way that:
- is clear
- respects what they need.
3. Use sentences that start with ‘I’.
When you set your boundaries, you can use sentences that start with ‘I’.
This can make it is easier to share:
- your feelings
- what you need without blaming anyone.
4. Stand up for your boundaries.
After you set your boundaries, it is important to stand up for them.
People might try to ignore your boundaries.
But when you stand up for your boundaries, it shows that these things matter to you.
5. Be kind to yourself if you make mistakes.
Setting boundaries is something you learn.
It can take time.
It is important to be kind to yourself if you find it hard to be firm about your boundaries.
Example story
We wrote a story to show an example of someone setting boundaries with another person.
The story we wrote is about a person called Tess.
The story and the people in it are not real.
We made them up to explain what it might look like to set boundaries.
Tess’s story
Tess and Joan are thinking of living with each other.
But sometimes Joan will yell when she and Tess do not agree on something.
Tess does not feel comfortable when Joan yells.
Tess does not like yelling or loud noises.
Tess asks Joan to talk about this with her.
Tess tells Joan that she does not want her to yell when they do not agree on something.
She explains that it does not make her feel comfortable.
Tess also explains she does not want to move in with Joan if she will not respect this boundary.
