On this page, we talk about how to understand and manage your feelings.

This includes how you can build the skills you need to do this.

On this page:

• Why it is important to understand and manage your feelings
• Skills that can help you
• Learning about your feelings
• Being kind to yourself
• Example story

Knowing how to understand and manage your feelings can support you to:

• deal with stress
• know yourself better
• understand why other people behave the way they do
• build good relationships with people.

  Your relationship with someone is how you are connected to them.

It can also help you work towards your goals in life.

Knowing how to understand and manage your feelings can seem easy for some people.

But it is a skill that you can build.

Knowing how to understand and manage your feelings is not the same as being okay with violence or abuse.

You can find out more on our page about violence and abuse.

Knowing how to understand and manage your feelings is also not the same as being okay with microaggressions.

For example, if someone thinks you cannot do something because of your disability.

You can find out more on our page about microaggressions.

We wrote some examples of why you might want to understand and manage your feelings.

You might find it hard to know how you feel.

For example, if you feel angry or afraid.

You might often feel upset by things people say or do.

This could include after people tell you they did not mean to hurt you.

You might find it hard to:

• set goals
• work towards your goals.

You might deal with the same problems a lot and not have ways to fix them.

You might find the way other people behave:

• is not fair
• does not make sense to you.

You might find it hard to:

• make friends
• keep close relationships.

You might feel stressed more often than you would like.

We made a list of 5 skills that can help you to understand and manage your feelings.

1. Notice when you:

• feel an emotion
• behave in a certain way.

It is a good idea to try find patterns in the way you feel or behave around certain things.

For example, you might notice you feel upset when your friends go to social events without you.

2. Know what you can do to stay calm when you feel upset or stressed.

It is a good idea to find out how you can stay calm.

For example, you might call a friend for support if you feel sad.

3. Work towards your goals.

You can work towards getting what you want.

For example, if you want to go out with your friends, you can suggest going somewhere that is accessible.

4. Try to understand other people.

This includes knowing how things in a person’s life might affect what they want or need.

But when you do this, you should not ignore what you want or need.

For example, you might understand that a friend has been too busy to catch up with you.

You might agree to contact them again in a few weeks.

5. Learn how to make and keep good relationships.

For example, you might be good at listening.

You might ask questions that show you:

• respect what a person is telling you
• care about what they are saying.

Learning about your feelings is an important step to knowing how to understand and manage them.

Our feelings give us clues about what we want and need.

Some people learn to be afraid of their feelings.

They might believe it is wrong to feel certain feelings because they are ‘bad’.

For example, feelings like anger or fear.

This can mean that some people might:

• not understand their feelings
• ignore their feelings.

We wrote some examples of what you can do to learn about your feelings.

You can tell yourself that it is okay to feel.

You also do not have to act on every feeling you have.

You can focus on your body and tell yourself what you feel.

When you focus on your body, it can give you clues about how you feel.

For example:

• you might breathe quicker if you are stressed
• your might face get warm if you are angry
• your stomach might feel sick if you are worried.

You can use words to name how you feel.

For example, you can use words like ‘I feel angry’.

You can look at how your feelings change over:

• an hour
• a day
• a week.

You can keep track of what makes you have these feelings.

You can use supports to help you learn about yourself better.

For example, you might talk to a health professional about you and your feelings.

Building your skills to understand and manage your feelings can be hard to do sometimes.

Some feelings can be scary.

It can also be hard if you:

• have experienced a lot of struggles in your life
• feel that the things that happen in your life are not fair.

Building these skills can improve many things in your life.

For example, using these skills can improve:

• your mental health
• your relationships
• the way you work towards your goals.

You will also have more control over what happens to you.

Knowing how to understand and manage your feelings can bring more pleasure to your life.

And it can make you feel more connected to the people around you.

You do not have to build these skills on your own.

You can get support from a friend or family member.

We also have information on this website about counselling.

You can find out more on our page about counselling.

You can also call a helpline.

Helplines are phone numbers that will connect you to people who:

• care about what you are going through
• can give you good advice.

We have a list of helplines on our website.

You can find out more on our page about helplines.

We wrote a story to show an example of how someone might understand and manage their feelings.

The story we wrote is about a person called Stevie.

The story and the people in it are not real.

We made them up to explain how someone might understand and manage their feelings.

Stevie lives with a physical disability that affects how they move their body.

It can be hard for Stevie to hear people tell them about physical activities they take part in.

For example, dancing and swimming.

Stevie used to get upset when people would tell them about these things.

They thought that people were trying to make them feel jealous.

Stevie now understands what makes them upset.

They are learning how to manage their feelings in a better way.

For example, Stevie sometimes tries to change the conversation in a polite way.

If Stevie is with a friend, they tell them what they feel when people talk about these things.

Stevie is also trying to find ways they can take part in more physical activities, like swimming.

Stevie understands more about their feelings.

Their life has also improved.